Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
