The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
