ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
