I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
