yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
