Umm I'm too high to move.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
