you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
