Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They have beer where we have blood.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
