So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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