he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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