I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
