Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
