Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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