she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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