I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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