I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
