I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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