i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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