Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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