I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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