Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
