There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
