you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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