im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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