i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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