mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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