So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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