the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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