My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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