I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
