Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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