Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
