Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
