he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
