This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
