I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
