its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
