I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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