Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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