Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
