im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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