You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
