Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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