guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
