Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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