I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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