1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
