The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
