We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
