After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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