matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
