Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My cat gives me a boner
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
