I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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