I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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