He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
