For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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