Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
