my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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