P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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