she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
