margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
