i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
