just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
