You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
